Why I Voted No on the Stimulus and Proposed Bootstraps for Every American Instead

I’ll just come out and say it. This country wasn’t founded on handouts. This country was founded on hard work and the sweat of…well, of people! And there was no way I was going to vote for something that disregarded that fact.

Instead I proposed my own stimulus package. One, myself, and other Republicans were extremely proud of. We vowed to grant every American their very own pair of boots, equipped of course with a sturdy bootstrap. This way everyone has a chance at success. All they have to do is pick themselves up, it’s a no brainer.

Now I know what you’re thinking and don’t worry. There are multiple options of boots provided in the bill. You won’t get stuck with the same pair as everyone else. We knew there would be concern over that so we drafted a section of the bill where three options would be available for your choosing:

1. Classic Leather Boot – This one is your basic industrial yellow boot with a thick sole to help you walk across any challenges you may come upon in Biden’s America.

2. Cowboy Boot – This option is for those who like to walk on the wild side and want to look a little stylish while they do so. (This is my preferred one, although I don’t wear these ones. I prefer Tom Ford’s.)

3. The Patriot – We are proud to announce this boot as the most challenging one and for the hardest working Americans out there. The bootstrap on this one is tiny, barely enough to hold on to. Only the finest of hard-working Americans out there will be able to pull themselves up in a pair of these. Did I mention they were red, white and blue? (You can thank me later with reelection.)

If this bill passes, you will find yourself in a sturdy, firm pair of boots ready to attack that mortgage your behind on. Ready to get your electricity back up and running. And might I say, you will be ready to march on to gainful employment with an unlivable wage. But with these boots on your feet, you can make any wage livable. That’s our guarantee! (P.S. I’m told I must mention none of the boots come in woman’s sizes, we just didn’t have the budget for it.)

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