It’s time we take a stand together as a party. For years we’ve been representing some star-spangled elephant and don’t get me wrong, I love me star-spangled anything. But what does an elephant have to do with what our party stands for today?
In today’s world there are real issues plaguing tax paying Americans. Issues so complex it causes us to be utterly divided in our culture. So, it’s time for the party to rethink its branding.
That’s why I’m proposing Mr. Potato Head with a giant penis as our new party logo. In our world today, people seem to have forgotten what’s important. Men are men and women are women. The same goes for plastic toys as well. ‘Mr.’ means male and if we change that then what does anything mean anymore? Of course, there are people suffering under economic ruin and there are other losers without jobs that can’t get healthcare. But those issues pale in comparison to getting gender and sexuality right.
With this new logo everyone will know exactly what we stand for. They will know what their tax dollars are going towards. Towards the fight that truly matters. Towards the crisis that is occurring in modern society. We will not back down and we will not stop fighting until every male plastic toy has a giant penis on it. I want my office filled with toys bearing male genitalia. Anytime I sit down with another representative I want them to see plastic penises. What other way will we get others to understand what’s important to us?
Now, this isn’t just for others to see what we stand for but is also beneficial for in-house unity. Mr. Potato Head with a giant penis is something we can all gather around and celebrate. Something that can unite the party. We can all proudly stand underneath the banner of a giant plastic penis and say firmly that we are Republicans. They can shame us, they can mock us but what they won’t do is take away gender in plastic children toys. I want my son to know his toy has a penis and I want everyone else’s to know as well.
As for stimulus issues and healthcare reform, I vow to not make any further decisions until this change has been made. This vow is for my tax paying constituents who have voted me in. When they voted for me, they knew they were getting someone who cares about the issues. Who stands up for them when no one else will. Who will bear the logo of Mr. Potato Head with a giant penis when everyone else wants to take away his gender. So, please cancel everything on your schedule today and let’s make this happen. The country needs us right now.